When The Ant Goes Marching On

Why me? I've found myself asking this question a great deal lately, among many other questions. In this article, I will be discussing my recent struggles without feeling good enough, and just how nature helps me deal with the stresses of school and life.

As thoughts of self-doubt invade my thoughts, the anger inside me keeps intensifying. My therapist has challenged me to know my anger this past week. She noted that anger is often a cover for a hidden emotion. I've been trying to remember this and went without answers until I met an ant that came marching into my entire life.

On Wednesday of this past week, I'd an incredibly difficult day. I had to present a speech for my speech communications class first thing in the morning and was extremely anxious. Public speaking and anxiety don't go well together. I personally have a problem with speaking in public because my anxiety makes my mind go blank after i am presenting. I can practice all I want and still manage to forget the material.

Prior towards the speech, I was in a position to calm myself down by using deep breathing and grounding techniques. I managed to pull through speaking without forgetting a single word despite my fear. Luckily, my former creative writing professor assigned us your final project that allowed me to change the poem I recited right into a song. When i performed my poem, I kept hearing the song version of it in my head. Music truly is really a blessing in disguise!

I felt very happy with myself once i performed. I thought that I did amazingly well compared to my last speech. However, my professor thought differently, and I was not good enough. I felt defeated.

After being raised in a way that helped me believe that nothing I did would ever be good enough, I have a very difficult time accepting criticism. I'm a people-pleaser and that i hate disappointing anyone. If someone offers any kind of criticism, I immediately go to heart and tear myself down. The criticism from my speech professor devastated me and that i ended up retreating to the only place I knew to be safe: my university's chapel.

I was using a breakdown in the chapel, asking God “Why am I not adequate enough? Why did you even put me in this world if I cannot do anything right?” I came to be angry with Him and everyone else, and so the question my counselor asked in my last therapy session came to mind: “What is causing your anger?” I realized that, after crying for a good hour, I'm angry because I never seem to be good enough for anybody.

When I had been younger, my dad chose alcohol over me. My mother, however, chose herself over me as she controlled every aspect of my entire life for her benefit. I had been never good enough to be saved by someone despite others understanding that I had been being abused at home. They demonstrated which i was not enough and I eventually believed it. As I spent the numerous nights of my childhood longing for a hand to hold, I desired this same comfort in my recent moments within the chapel. God was silent until I ventured outside to spend time in nature.

As I had been located on a picnic table bench, I saw a small ant. This ant kept marching to the beat of his own rhythm. Nothing got when it comes to his journey. He was kind enough to create us a a part of his adventure. I had been having a difficult time and it seemed like he knew that, because he came near the fringe of the table where I was and ceased his movement many times. It felt like he was invading my space, but he knew what I needed, just like God did. He knew that I couldn't be alone at that moment. I asked God to provide me having a hand to hold within my time of darkness and he chose to send a single ant to march into my life. That ant just kept marching on, and that he has inspired me to do exactly the same.